I've Got the Ironman Blues

    It was Saturday night and I was about 1 mile away from the finish line of my very first Ironman distance race. I was exhausted and in pain but the finish line was so close. It was then that the very first feeling of true sadness set in.

    For the last year I had thought about nothing but Ironman. It was exactly one year since I had registered for the race. It was about half a year since I had first started my dedicated training. And now, I was less than ten minutes from the finish line of what, at some points, had seemed like an insurmountable dream. But it wasn’t insurmountable because I had made it. I had dreamed and I had accomplished. And yet I felt crushed inside.

    Accomplishing a dream produces such a strange inner reaction. Yes, I was proud and relieved to have had made it to the finish line after 140.6 miles of agony. But, I was so sad it was all over. I had spent the last year imagining the moment I crossed that finish line. I had spent the last six months dedicating my physical being to becoming an Ironman. The journey was long and torturous but I had loved it. I had loved my long weekend bike rides. I had loved having a real valid reason for being exhausted at work. I had loved my long course weekend swim. I had loved the ups, the downs, and everything in-between. The Ironman dream had become how I defined myself to the world. And now, it was over.

    In the week since my race I’ve thought a lot about where I’ll go in my life now that I have my Ironman tattoo. For many people, they see the Ironman race as a triathlon career peak. They do it once and then revert back to the people they were pre-Ironman. But, I have never been the sort of person to create a goal and to leave it behind once it is accomplished. I am a lifelong athlete with the innate desire to constantly push myself towards the next challenge.

    So I am not done with Ironman. I can swim faster. I can bike stronger. I can run harder. I can do better and I know it. To some, I may seem sick inside for having the inability to let myself revel in my accomplishment. But, that’s what makes me a true athlete.

    I know that there can never again be a “first Ironman” for me. I definitely appreciate that fact in the depths of my heart. It was an amazing experience and I will remember crossing that finish line forever. But, this race was “A” highlight of my triathlon career and not “THE” highlight.” I just can’t let it be “THE” highlight. Otherwise, what would be the point of continuing on? What would be the motivation to get out of bed in the morning if I knew in my heart that it was all downhill from here?

    I’m sorry, but I’ll never be done. I’ll never have enough. I’m a competitive athlete all the way down to the very core of my soul. Take away my need to compete and I’ll cease to exist. And so, as always, the dreaming continues…forever and ever.

“Dreams pass into the reality of action. From the actions stems the dream again; and this interdependence produces the highest form of living.” 

 -Anais Nin

For all of you out there who felt like me after their first Ironman...know that your not alone. The need to compete with yourself-constantly craving the next challenge-is part of who you are.  Embrace it.

Now, let me turn my focus to the remainder of my season and eventually onto Ironman Texas 2013.  

Out-sprinting: a Mental Game

    This past weekend I competed in another Master’s Swim meet. I signed up for the race as a fun thing to do before the final push towards Ironman.  At this race I had some challenging competition.  There was a girl in my age group with seed times far faster than mine in both the 400 and 100 Freestyle.  I naturally assumed she was probably pretty close to the top of her game and was a bit nervous about racing her since I had slower seed times and, being in the height of my Ironman training, didn’t even know how my body would respond to being forced back into “sprint mode.” 

    But, I was going to compete in this meet t have a good time and to just ‘see what I could do.’  Yes, I was ultimately expecting to get beaten.  But, I also figured it would be nice to have somebody else in the water to push me. 

    First up was the 400 freestyle.   It was the very first race of the day.  At my last swim meet, I only had a decent showing in this event.  I remember that I had finished the race barely exhausted.  And later, upon reflection, noted that my split times were equal but a little too slow for what I thought I might be able to hold.  

    So, I stepped up to the blocks and looked over at my competition.   Being a long-time distance swimmer in college, I usually step up to the blocks with the intention of swimming my own race.  Yes, I of course would also like to win the race, but ultimately distance races are about pushing yourself regardless of how fast the people besides you are swimming.  But, not this time.  This time I was going to try something different.  I finally had somebody to ‘race.’  I was going to push myself much harder than last time and was going to use my competition of a guide.

    The gun went off and we dove into the water with 8 long course meter laps ahead of me.  I took the first 100 out much harder than I would normally have.  After the first 100, I was ahead of my competition. ..barely.  But, I was feeling strong and told myself I only had 6 more lengths to go.  The second hundred hurt.  My body started to cramp a little bit like it always does.  Yet, somehow I managed to still stay slightly ahead.  And then, we hit the third hundred. 

    My body was getting tired and my competition started to pull ahead.  This is usually the point of the race where the mental negativity starts to creep in.  It’s a problem I’ve always had.  In every race, it’s sad to admit, I give up mentally before my body is ready to.  I’ve spoken before about the need to rely on my training when racing.  But, even though I take my race out hard knowing the training will be there to back it up, I’ve always had a problem having my mental strength there as well.  You can be in the best shape of your life, but if you lose the mental positivity, all the training in the world becomes completely useless.  I know I’m not the only person who must struggle with this problem and it’s a very hard thing to come to terms with.  But all my life, if there was ever a need to outsprint a person to the finish, I wind up losing.  I lose, not because they’re faster or stronger than I am.  I lose because my mind breaks before their mind does.  It’s as simple as that.  And, although I know it’s a problem I’ve always had, I’ve just never been able to keep those negative thoughts out. 

    In a swimming race like this, the third portion (here the third hundred), is always the portion where I just can’t hold back the negativity any longer.  But this time was different.  As we hit the wall at the far end of the pool with 150 meters left to go, I thought to myself “I’m going to be an Ironman…stay with her.”   For the first time ever in a race that I can remember, I was wholeheartedly committed to giving it everything I had inside.  There were no thoughts of pain or tiredness.  There were no thoughts of failure as I saw her start to pull away from me.  There was nothing but mental dfedication to the race and to bringing myself as close to the edge as possible.  To be honest, I really shocked myself that a positive thought just popped into my head without me having to try to force it there.  It was truly an amazing feeling.

    As we approached the wall at the end of the third hundred, I saw her turn slightly ahead of me.  Usually I have to make the conscious decision to turn up the pace.  But this time, I just let myself go.  I was going to sprint the whole last 100 meters.  I was actually going to try and beat her.  Now, ¼ of the race is A LOT to try and sprint.  I would normally advise against it since the probability of “hitting the wall” waaaaay too early is very high.  But I knew, deep down inside, that my training was there.  I’ve always been physically strong enough to fight to the finish.  And , it was finally time for my mind to join the fight. 

    So, I sprinted.  I picked up my kick.  I turned over my arms as fast as possible, and I drove into the wall at the far end of the pool.  I had one 50 to go.  I was closing in although she was still half a body length ahead.  And believe me, you can bet she know I was there and giving everything she had to fight me off.  But I didn’t let go.  Twenty-five meters left.  I took a deep breath and drove as hard as possible the rest of the way.  I was either going to win this race or I was going to know I tried as hard as possible.  I wasn’t going to end this race, as usual, knowing that deep down I had given up long before I hit the final wall.

    I put my head down and finished strong into the wall just in time to turn my head and to see my competition come into the wall right behind me.  I took twelve whole seconds off my previous 400 freestyle time and won the race.  But more importantly, I didn’t give up mentally and my body never gave out.  The training was there.  My mind was there.  It was a perfect race.

    I went on to beat the same girl again by just barely out-touching her in the 100 freestyle.  I had a great swim meet and she, undoubtedly, had a miserable one.I was proud of myself.For the first time ever I felt like a real competitive athlete. 

What you should take away from my story is this: 

    Physical training means nothing until you’re capable of finding the mental positivity necessary to succeed.  And, it needs to come naturally.  The harder you try to force in the positive thoughts, the easier the bad ones will creep in as well.  Positivity needs to already exist in your subconscious.  You need to be comfortable with your training and know that, although you may have made mistakes along the way, you’re doing the best you can with the time and resources you have. Only once you let go of the doubts on a daily basis can you let go of the doubts in a race.  And, only then, will you ever be able to draw up enough mental positivity to be able to outsprint somebody to the finish.